Today is the last day of the conference I’m attending, which, if I haven’t mentioned it, is full of cops, active and retired. There was an announcement made that there’s a ten-year-old kid here so we should all say hi and welcome him, for whatever reason.
My first thought was hopefully if someone walked into the convention center and wanted to kill a bunch of cops, the shooter would let the kid go. The fact that my mind immediately went to that place is insane. Not that I’m insane (mostly I’m not), but it’s insane that it’s not a completely far-fetched thought.
Most people, whether they hate the police or not, can agree that the actual job of a police officer is difficult. They see things that are traumatic and hard to process.
That’s what they sign up for, though, right?
What about after work? When they take off the uniform and the badge, when they go home. Some people in every profession leave work and go home to crappy home lives, just like some people in every profession go home to happy home lives. So how does an officer’s off duty “crap” affect them more than the average person?
I’m not talking about normal life crap, because, again, everyone has some of that. Fights with spouses or significant others, financial problems, kids being assholes, that is the normal crap that pops in and out of everyone’s lives.
I’m talking about cop crap, that comes up even when an officer is “off duty.”
Here is an example for you. It’s a lovely day out and an off duty officer wants to take her son to the park. She calls up a friend and they agree to meet there with their kids at 1pm. The officer shows up and her son is so happy to be playing with his friends, and she’s having a nice time as well. Her son yells for her to watch him go down the slide, so she looks over at him. Just past the slide sitting on a bench across the park from her is a large, dangerous felon that the officer had arrested a few months ago.
The officer doesn’t know whether or not he would recognize her, but she isn’t going to stick around to find out. But she also can’t just walk over and grab her son to leave because if he does recognize her, then he would know what her son looked like. Or, maybe he already did recognize her, and he was just watching to see who her kid was. So, she tells her friend that she has to go but she can’t take her son with her just yet. The officer tells her friend to gather her own kids and take the officer’s son with her as well, and to go put everyone in the friend’s vehicle. Once they’re all there safely, the officer then leaves the park, watching to make sure the felon doesn’t follow her. If he doesn’t, she takes her son from her friend, puts him in her own car, and takes everyone out to ice cream to make up for them missing the rest of the fun day at the park. If he does…well, that’s for a different post.
This happened to me while I was working at my first department in California. Unfortunately, the friends I was with didn’t really understand, so it took them a minute to catch on. I learned that day to always preface friendships with explanations of cop life.
Another example. Spoiler alert: This also happened to me. A female cop and her son are in a grocery store, loading the conveyer belt with their purchases. The son is asking for every freakin thing that they tempt customers with at the register. The mom turns back to pull the cart forward and she locks eyes with the guy standing behind her in line. She quickly turns away and tells her kid to walk out of the store. He starts to whine about wanting some stupid candy with a fan attached to it and the mom in a little more firm about it.
The kid understands and follows directions, and the two proceed to exit the store, leaving their unpaid for merchandise behind. The mom has no clue whether the man behind her recognizes her, but she definitely recognizes him as a man who was obviously let out on bail because the week before, she had arrested him for domestic violence (emphasis on the violence), and he had access to several guns that police couldn’t locate at the time of arrest. The mom has to check over her shoulder like a billion times to make sure the guy isn’t following her, and then she doesn’t even wait until her kid is buckled in completely before taking off out of the parking lot.
This was at the second department I worked for. Two different states, yet such similar stories.
Imagine having to talk to your children as soon as they are old enough to understand that sometimes Mommy or Daddy will tell them to do something and they need to learn by the way it is said that they are to do whatever they’re told, no matter what. Do not ask questions, do not linger or whine about it, do not pass “Go,” do not collect $200. On top of that, you then have to explain why they may have to leave a park when they just get there, or leave a store without buying their food. “Well, honey,” you’d say, “because sometimes Mommy runs into people when she’s not working that she has taken to jail. And sometimes those people want to kill her.” Lovely.
A third example: An officer is getting off of his shift. It’s 7am and he’s pulling out of the station, in his civilian clothes, driving his civilian car. He looks in his rearview mirror several times before getting on the main road. He jumps on the freeway and is approaching his exit. Rather than getting off the freeway he continues driving until the next exit. Then he back tracks towards his house. He is about a mile away from his home and he decides to circle around the block a few times, watching carefully in his mirror. The officer finally arrives home. He walks inside and hugs his wife (who is up getting ready to go to work while the officer goes to bed) extra tight, because during his shift, an officer two towns over was followed home after work and ambushed outside her front door.
Last one, I promise. This one didn’t happen word for word in my experience like the first two, but parts have happened to me and parts to other officers I know.
An officer gets home after a long day of work. As usual, his five-year-old daughter runs up to him in excitement and gives him a big hug. The officer is so happy to be home, and very happy to be hugging his little girl. He holds on to her a little longer than usual and then goes to hug his wife. She greets him with a hug and a kiss and asks him how his day was.
Here’s how his day was: The last call of the day for him was a hit and run accident. A possible (let’s face it- a definite) drunk driver struck and killed a young girl walking home with her mother from the park, then left the scene. A picture of the little girl’s dismembered, bloody body runs through his mind. Then he thinks of how the mother of the little girl crumbled to the ground, barely able to speak through her grief. For a brief second looking at her, his mind had flashed to the mother being his wife, the body being that of his own daughter. He pushes those dark and horrid thoughts far down and quickly thanks God for the blessings he has.
The officer puts his hand on the woman’s shoulder and says as gently as possible that he knows she’s devastated and experiencing unimaginable heartbreak, but he needs her to take a few deep breaths and try to calm down just a little bit. He needs to get the necessary information out about the driver/vehicle and hopefully locate it. The officer says these things while working hard to hold back his own tears so that he can be efficient in his job.
Nearby, there is a woman that has witnessed the tragic event and stuck around to give her statement to police. She overhears the officer saying this and tells the officer that he is cold hearted and unfeeling to speak to the mother in that way. The woman says that the officer should show a little compassion and think of how he would feel if that little girl was his own daughter. As if he isn’t already trying his damndest to keep that thought out of his mind so that he can effectively do his job and help to get this poor, grieving mother some justice. As other lookie-loo’s arrive on scene, the woman repeats those sentiments very loudly to each of them, making sure the officer can hear her clearly. “Officer Robot over there is on the case,” she tells the nearby camera crew. “God forbid they actually do anything proactive to stop drunk drivers…they wait until they kill someone and then come on scene to be assholes to the dead kids’ parents!”
If the woman had any sense of this officer, his heart, his work ethic, she would know that the officer conducted possible DUI stops as often as his schedule and call load allowed because he had seen during his career how much damage driving while intoxicated can cause. Additionally, he had written a memo to the Chief’s office appealing to him to allow extra DUI patrols, as he had noticed an influx of DUI collisions, not surprisingly coinciding with the decreased number of officers on patrol. The Chief had responded that there wasn’t the overtime money in the budget, and he couldn’t spare any officers from regular patrol duty as the department was already in a staffing deficit.
So here is this officer. Trying to do his job. Attempting to console a heartbroken and grieving mother. Still having to remain vigilant and aware that even though he’s got a job to do, there still could be someone lurking around waiting for the right time to ambush the officer. Trying to push down his own anger about the lack of proactivity the department will allow him and his squad mates to do. Oh yeah, and let’s not forget, a random lady who knows nothing about anything yelling at him, and about him.
“The day was fine, honey. How was yours?” His response to his wife’s earlier question. Because how can he look her in the eye with their beautiful, precious gift from God sitting in the room with him and tell him what he had experienced just hours before? No decompression there, at least not immediate. If he’s lucky, he’s got a family that is understanding and will give him time to have some space before demanding his time and attention. And hopefully he’s got some other outlet for the sadness and anger and frustration of the job, lest he turn to alcohol or other vices to numb the feelings.
These are added work stressors that no one should have to deal with. Going home to your family. Taking your kid to the park. Going to the freakin grocery store for f#&%’s sake.
Yes, police sign up for their jobs. They have an understanding of the dangers that come with it. They know they could get injured or even have to pay the ultimate sacrifice in order to save someone else, possibly even someone else who doesn’t even want help from the police. God willing, they won’t have to, but it’s well known that it could happen. They know they’re going to see some traumatizing things.
But, come on. Police don’t sign up for people to follow them to their homes. To put their families in danger. To belittle them cruelly while they’re trying to hold themselves together and do their jobs.
Those things are definitely not what they signed up for.
They’re not something anyone signs up for.